day ninety nine.

i'm not wasting time
i'm just spending it
in ways you wouldn't
want to.

it's just probably not

a parody
or going to be one
it's nothing
even more so
nothing
than my
circus career
but at least this
nothing will
become something
one day when i get
my whole nothing
going.
was is it that the visible
are the only ones
considered
something.

day ninety

INSTALLMENT ONE: HOMO+INTRA

I watch them greedily

Standing still, another day
is going by,
I’m still unsold.
A pink hand grabbing
and picking me up -
could this be it?
yes.
I am making my final journey
over to the cash register
where all wanted bottles
go.
if my lid wasn’t on right my
soul would surely
be pouring out
right now.
The head connected to the hand -
my new master
is scrunching this head
into a hideous grouping
of wrinkles,
to be released by a smile.
I cannot tell if they are
happy or not to see me.
Bagged into darkness
as if going to the chopping
block, I am now bobbing
up and down, in a forward motion
the pink hand, tight around my
neck.
Bobbing, bobbing
until now, light again
but not too much,
we must be underground.
the pink creatures twist off
my lid – ouch. It hurts
but no one ever said
losing your virginity
was easy.
my soul, my spirit,
is being poured into
three separate glasses,
until I am left feeling empty
and unwanted; they no longer
look at me.

take all that I could
give them.
they cackle and unsteadily get up,
pink faces now red
and I am grabbed by the neck
and back to bobbing.
Outside again, it must
be only one full turn of
the clock
since I last saw
this air,
we have bobbed back
to my original home.
my pink friends
do not want me
anymore, but the door
to my previous dwelling is closed-
they do not want me either.
the pink master’s red face
get wrinkled
and ugly again.
now I am going, up, up
about as high as I was on
the shelf in my home,
until I am speeding down fast -
I can’t even see properly
and now pain
temporary,
it’s gone.
I can see again, I
can see my pink (or
red) friends laughing
and bobbing away
and I can see my
soulless shell
in twenty different pieces.

update #4

i am starting to write
(and soon to illustrate)
a 'little annoyances' series
of poems.

i think it will be my first guerilla publication.
gotta get it done and replicate it.
coming soon to library, grocery, bookstore, cd, clothing, electronic shelves near you.
and perhaps even to a theatre.
why not?

i want to keep it short and simple to save on trees, so i'll have to stop myself soon and pick out the best of the worst.

i don't need boys.

they consume my mind
and waste my time.





but love can be awful nice.

update #3

in pennsylvania;
family matters
a 30th wedding anniversary.

in the boons
as my mother says.

interesting people,
interesting smells.

lots of trees and hills.

gum and blood on the bed sheets,
but we're keeping clean.

getting my own version of ear plugs ready.

should have stayed home.

'come over',
you said.
so i came,
on two separate occasions that night.

the colours on your face.

red,
purple,
green;
sparkling lights
leading me to my downfall.


(always temporary).

homeland reunion.

getting back
into the wrong crowd,
getting out
of your comfort zone.
getting up
in the wrong bed,
getting back
to who you were
before.

ocean eyes.

the memories
bring out
the tide,
the messages
bring it back in.
unstable
for a night,
but know
you're in
the right.

goodbye, forever it seems.

breaking up,
breaking out
of that
box and
on my way
to a
breakthrough.

interior monologue of a 13 year old girl looking forward to a party straight after school.

"If I don't go home that means I can't feed the dog who may not starve but will probably bite me when I get home like the time when we left her at home for a week by herself and she didn't know where we went because she's a dog right and doesn't understand the word vacation yet not that we're going to go on a lot more we don't have that much money since dad lost his job at the factory last month so now we've just been eating a lot of cabbage soup lately like Charlie from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory only he was always really poor and we are as my mom says temporarily poor but don't you go around using the word poor we don't wear smelly rags like Grandpa the dog will at least be really mad that she had to wait a couple of hours for her food she's pretty fat though so maybe this will be good for her an extreme diet no maybe just a one day diet extreme diets are never good Auntie Mary went on one that one time when she was really huge and now she's just floppy like a deflated balloon I bet she can wrap her skin around her arms three or four times oh god I hope I don't get like that from the cabbage soup no I won't I'll be sure to eat lots of food tonight at the party the guilt of it won't be as bad as the one time I broke the lamp and Uncle Jake and Auntie Mary yelled at my cousin Chris for breaking it I guess but I disowned him from being my cousin when I was five because he ripped the head off of my favourite barbie doll and oh I was so freaking mad I stomped right up to him and told him straight to his face that he was not allowed to be my cousin anymore but the lamp was worse and I got him back good because I blamed him for breaking it and he practically did anyways because he distracted me with some stupid joke when I was running to go grab the phone it could have been one of my friends and plop crash went the lamp only I was older so when Auntie Mary and Uncle Jack asked me what happened they believed my fake story I hate how older people aways trust the person closest to their own age it's really unfair but oh well I used it that one time I wonder what there will be to eat at the party there better not be any cabbage but probably not Sarah is a fancy girl I have heard I can't believe that she would invite someone as plain as me to her party but there again everyone is invited so I would be wondering the opposite if she didn't invite me because even the grossest kid in class is invited but I overheard Sarah whispering to Brittany that her mom made her invite him and she hopes that he can't make it I hope she did't say that about me too I wonder if I smell okay I tried to put together a decent outfit free of dog hair but not too nice you can't look better than the birthday girl I probably couldn't if I tried but one day i'll show everyone that I can be pretty too oh no what if there's drinking there I never thought of that I don't drink my parents told me not to touch the stuff because Grandpa did and then he never stopped touching it it gives you sticky fingers says mom and makes you wrinkly Aunt Mary better not drink any what's worse then being floppy is being floppy and wrinkly the dog food smells anyways I couldn't touch it I's stink of it all night and then no boys would come near me like that one time when I went to my mom friends' wedding and I wore the dress I am wearing right now oh no what if it's unlucky I hope that no boys came near me that night because I just smelled like dog food because I had to feed the dog before we went because she was hungry and when I was 10 I didn't have any friends and thought that my only hope was the animal kingdom so that year Santa who reminded me of Grandpa because he had the same teetering walk and sour breath that dad had when he came home on new years eve last year and mom yelled at him so much I think the neighbours heard I was so embarrassed but I just went back to bed with my dog she wasn't fat back then and I wasn't either because we went on lots of walkies together but then I got lazy and stopped taking her so she got lazy and stopped liking them but now I'm not fat anymore on account of the cabbage soup so maybe after tonight she will have lost some weight too."

'it's okay' is false cheer.

i said never mind,
for the hundredth time.
never
mind.
it was starting to feel
natural
to make those words
echo
from my mouth.
you don't even have to
think about
what else was going
to come out from
my mouth.
my mind,
my thoughts,
they probably mean
nothing
to you,
or anybody else.
so go on
ignoring
me
like everybody else.

close to done, and yet to begin.

standing
squatting
sitting
staring
stirring
starting
to think
that i can't
write poetry.